Rewind

  It is not altogether infrequent that when I do a collaborative law case I see a couple who could make it and skip the whole divorce process if only they had a good therapist or just the will to work hard for a while.  Don't misunderstand, you have to work at your marriage forever.  What I mean is that each marriage goes through stages of what Terry Real calls "harmony, disharmony and repair."  I have been married 21 years to date and we have probably gone through this process 21 thousand times and counting.  We sometimes look at each other and experience what Real says is "normal marital hatred."  I love that term because it's true.  We just can't stand each other.  But then we remember that we once loved each other, and we remember these pesky things called vows, and so we work at going back into harmony. 
   Honestly, we have a good thing going, we really do.  I married "up."  He is a good man, funny, smart, really good looking and full of integrity, and so it's not too hard to remember my vows or that  I once loved him (currently I do love him--ask me in a week and it may change for a few hours or a day). We made a commitment before we married that we would go to therapy if either of us saw the need and we've pulled that trigger once or twice.  It was good and it helped.  We also made vows to God and to our family and friends that we would stick with it for better or worse, richer or poorer and all of that, and we take those seriously.  And then there are these beautiful daughters that we have and they count on us staying married, and even want for themselves what we have, which is humbling and motivating all at once.
   Clearly, however, there are marriages that need to end.  They are just like fire and gas--destructive to the core and everyone becomes collateral damage, especially the children.  I think of people with untreated addictions or folks who are abusive or lead double lives.  I get that.  I've sat with these people and watched them bleed out as they are actually encouraged to stay by well-intentioned dragons.  If someone's not going to change, the other person should leave. 
   Then there are those couples that I sit with in a collaborative law case and they look at each other with a gentle, knowing look.  Or they are quick to defend or acquiesce because they believe it's better for the other person and I think, "Gosh!  Can't you just stick it out?  Don't you want to sit on this for a while and wait--because those feelings will probably change in an hour, a week or even longer--but you can see the spark--it's still there!"  I want to sit with them and talk about how they got twisted up and see if they can just rewind.  That's not my job in collaborative law.  The attorneys actually do ask them if they want to see if they can work it out and they have told me that sometimes the couple learns to talk as they work through the divorce process (is that ironic or what?) and then decide to reconcile.  I'm still sitting on some unfinished cases and I sure hope that's what's happened though I may never know.  And then sometimes couples just fall apart and they go through with the divorce and I know it's heartbreaking for them--it always is no matter the cause.
   So here I sit being a couple's therapist and a neutral mental health professional in collaborative law and I juggle the two hats as best I can.  It reminds me that life is hard and that relationships are very, very complex and that no one really knows what's going on behind closed doors.  It reminds me that long-term relationships are made up of daily, purposeful acts of kindness and forgiveness when you just don't feel like being nice or particularly forgiving.  And it reminds me that without a loving God who helps me remember who I am supposed to be and how I should live, I might very well be on the other side of the table.  On days when I am experiencing "normal marital hatred" (and thankfully today is not one of those days) it sure helps to rewind.